Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
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“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs