Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
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I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Your honor these allegations are
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism