Day 2 of my diet
You Might Also Like
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks