@Smooheed

Day 2 of my diet

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@andlikelaura

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

@NewDadNotes

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

@ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

@bjnovak

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

@WheelTod

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

@

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Shhh!

-Librarians arguing