Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
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Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I’m listening
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?