@trevso_electric

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

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@TheThryll

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

@whatsJo

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

@TraylorParker

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

@goodgrief_rats

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

@mattytalks

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

@GreenishDuck

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

@YayForJam

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

@alldrolledup

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

@kathybotteas

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?