Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
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Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.