Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.