Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
You Might Also Like
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch