Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.