Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
You Might Also Like
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
uh oh
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Mmmm canned fish.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah