Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
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It’s been a terrible year for burglars
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist