Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
You Might Also Like
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several