Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
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Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.