Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
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*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
they finally got him. they got macavity
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.