Day 4: They suspect nothing.
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There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Sharon, call the vet
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
As the Lord intended
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.