Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
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My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
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