[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive