Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
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Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.