Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
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So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.