Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
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You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.