[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.