day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
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How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
sistine chapel
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me