[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
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She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.