Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
You Might Also Like
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!