Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
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No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.