Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
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[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!