Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
new year update: losing everything but weight
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*