Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
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Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
RT if you know someone like this!!!
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
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If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge