Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
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Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Wikigenius
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair