Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog