Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)