Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6