Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.


If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms


I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.


Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is


A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana


[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]

“no actually”


ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”


My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.


old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online