I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.