@TorontoRobFord

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

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@bigmacher

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

@NotKarma

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

@BobGolen

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

@mdob11

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

@TheBosha

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

@KlMBERLY_

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

@Stella1070

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

@Aspersioncast

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.