Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

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I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.


Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.


Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.


You didn’t comment on my selfie.


Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.


Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.


I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.


Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.