Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
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Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!