“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
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At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”