Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

welp

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem