@odannyboy

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

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@yenniwhite

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

@Impetermoran

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

@psybermonkey

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

@TheAlexNevil

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

@timdonakowski

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

@geowizzacist

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

@wildethingy

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

@squidslippers

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.