Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory