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Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.