Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
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*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Doctors texting each other.