Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
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Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.