*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Breaking news:
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”