Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
A small tragedy.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
what?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that