Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
This fish is cracking me up
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”