@kidnappedagain

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

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@sixthformpoet

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

@Jake_Vig

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

@sofarrsogud

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

@BrdnHatesYou

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

@KevinBuffalo

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

@tastefactory

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

@jwoodham

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

@Gorrdano

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

@LindaInDisguise

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

@badbanana

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?