Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
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took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two