Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
You Might Also Like
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
DOOO EEEET
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids