Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
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