Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
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Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?