Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
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I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised