Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

Seek kebab; not attention

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me