Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
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I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.