Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
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Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I found your tweet-up…
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Tastes like chicken.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”